Honesty is the best policy – never leave her alone on a first date

a couple of years ago

Dave the lodger sank back into his tiny sofa, glass of warm rosé in hand. The first date was going well and was about to get better.

‘Pizza will be here in a minute.’

‘Perfect Dave. You know how to show a girl a good time.’

‘You’re perfect Jade.’

‘Do you really mean that?’

Dave’s cheeks suddenly matched his wine.

‘Of course, yeah.’

‘Oh good. I do think honesty is the best policy in a relationship, don’t you?’

The doorbell echoed up three flights of Victorian stairs.

‘Saved by the bell,’ thought Dave.

His landlady was coming out of her bedroom as he galloped downstairs.

‘It’s okay Mrs.Jackson: pizza!’

Mrs. Jackson stood a moment before going back to cuddle up with Mr. Jackson.

‘I’m sure I could hear her opening drawers upstairs.’

‘Ha! She might be coming downstairs in a hurry when all she finds is one pair of undies.’

She might be coming downstairs in a hurry when all she finds is one pair of undies. Click To Tweet

“She’d better be quick I can hear him coming back up the stairs,” said Mrs Jackson, now siting up in bed listening intently.

“This could be the shortest date on record,” said Mr Jackson also sitting up and listening.

“She seemed like a nice girl,”

“Bet you 50p she’s out of here within the hour,” he said.

“You’re on,” said Mrs. Jackson.

They both spat on their hands and slapped them together.

Dave burst into the bedroom holding the pizza box like he was bringing a silver salver of caviar canape’s. Jade turned as he entered and leaned back casually against the open drawer of Dave’s dresser. She looked at her phone, the other hand behind her.

“I’ve just had a text from mum, she says the er cat.”

“I didn’t know you had a cat,” said Dave already opening the box and helping himself gallantly to a wedge of pepperoni. “Get that down your neck while it’s hot.” He offered the box to Jade.

“The cat’s been run over, I’ve got to go. Sorry.”

Before Dave could swallow his over full mouthful of pizza the door was swinging shut behind the rapidly retreating Jade.

In the room below, Mr Jackson turned to Mrs. Jackson as the sound of the slamming front door echoed up the stairwell.

“50p thank you very much,” he held out his hand.

Dave was standing at the top of the stairs looking down the empty stairwell, wondering what just happened. As he turned to go back into his room he stopped and bent to pick up a pair of holed and frayed yellow nylon underpants from the floor by the doorway.

“How did they get there?” He picked them up and trudged back to the sofa and plonked himself down.

“I’m sure she doesn’t have a cat.”

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